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Lynn, your words meant so much. It's funny that you said how you can either let it eat you up or let others know you are disappointed. I knew there would come a point when my mother or sister in law would call me and ask me how I was handling the news, and I thought, "I can fake it and make them believe I am fine with other SIL's pregnancy, or I can be honest and be myself." Well, My husband's sister just called me (I love her) and asked how I was doing with it all, and I said I am very happy for "brother" and his wife, but cried my heart out nonetheless. I told her I am stuck in self pity mode and trying to find the light. She said, you are going to be PG soon because it seems that my brothers always do things at the same time. She was very supportive and said she can't even imagine how bad it must feel, but she thought of me right away when she heard the news because she knew I'd be hurting. She is flying us out to New York near the end of the month, on her dime, because she likes me so much. She would NEVER do that for her other brother's wife, she doesn't even like to have her around, and the only reason she is happy about this pregnancy is because she loves her brother. Well today I am a whopping 3dpiui. CC-I know you must be practically looney about now. I have been thinking of you and praying to every deity I can for you! My fingers toes and legas have been crossed too. Oh, and I also keep thinking about you because I am now in pantyliner hell. I have to do the vaginal progesterone suppositories, so sorry, it keeps reminding me of how happy you were to be out of pantyliner land. Lynn, thanks again for the pep talk. You know firsthand how hard this journey is to make. I read another quote that said something like, " A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step."

Lynn, thanks for your post and thoughts. I know what you are saying. I tell myself similar things, along those same lines. I wish it were easy to always remain positive, and as you know, its impossible all the time. I appreciate your thoughts though, and everything you said was true and straight to the heart. I am sorry to say, I am becoming really bitter about it all. Im thinking I need a break, and maybe a break from the boards for awhile. Dh is convinced that the boards are no longer helping me, but hurting me. I didnt think he had a point, but I lurk on so many other threads, he might be right. I wont take a break from this thread, but perhaps from others I will, and I need to mind my own business and worry about myself. I know none of you know the failure of IVF, but its the lowest of low. Its the last stop on the train, for a baby of our own. Its heartbreaking to be honest with you. Eh-maybe this post is premature, but I want to get it out there now. Im really sick of feeling the doubt, the despair, the hope, the ups, and downs. I guess I do just need a break. Tracy, your panty liner comments had me smiling. I feel your pain, I really do. I'll chk in once more before Im done for the day and leave tomorrow. Im sorry to be such a downer. After I get back from Labor Day, I'll have a new head screwed on w/ a new attitude.

CC--I feel the same way you do about well, everything. I need a break too. After finding out about DH's brother's wife, my perspective changed and mentally I just gave up. I know I can't fully understand where you are coming from, but I know that is why I am hesitant to do IVF. So much rides on luck and circumstance. I will be hoping that regardless of the outcome for you this cycle that you stay with us. You have become such an integral part of our daily lives and to lose you would be devastating to us all. I hope your trip out of town is filled with laughter and joy, and hopefully some good news regarding your belly. I feel nothing but sadness in my heart that is lingering like a dark cloud above me. I'm angry and don't know what my next step is going to be after this. I know I sound stupid since I just had my first IUI ever, but I was already ready to give up before I embarked on this month. I am tired and beat down to the core. It's all-consuming and tearing me to shreds. The good news for the day is that RE's office called and the strep thing DH and I had going on is gone in both of us, so there's a plus.

Tracy, we need to have our own pity party. I often feel like a complainer, it cant be fun to long on our thread and read my posts all the time.I know we are all here for each other, but I dont want to take everyone elses time cheering me up, ALL the time. I'll get over it, and move on eventually, just like we all do. We all fall off the horse, and have to get back on at some point. Tracy, I know everyone (including myself) is laughing..Neither one of us even knows if we are pregnant right now..(although by now, I dont think I am, but for you, keep the hope alive mama)..When you said its all consuming, you were kidding. I think thats the only part of tomorrow Im looking forward to. I need my mind to be free from thinking about this ALL the time. I need to learn from others, how to stay positive during this time. The only thing right now I can think of, is that we just blew about 6k out the window. I guess I have the poor me's! It will be nice not to talk about me anymore and my problems w/ everyone who knows whats going on. Im glad you got some good news today..You guys had that strep thing forever, thats great! Keep your head up Tracy..You have no reason as this point to think this has failed you. I know its impossible to do, but try to remember that.

I guess the only reason I feel so hopeless is because I don't feel anything. I know how irrational that sounds since I am only 3dpiui, but I'd like to feel something that could offer some hope for some action going on in there, ya know? Don't worry about sounding like you are always complaining lately. I KNOW I am, but don't worry about it because that's what ya'll are here for isn't it?

((( CC ))) - ((( TRACY ))) - Do NOT EVER feel that you are complaining too much!! We want that BFP for you "almost" as much as you want it for yourselves! And I only say "almost" because it might seem strange for someone you haven't met personally to want it "just as much". CC - I am so pulling for you to have good news!! I hope what I am about to say you will understand that I mean it in the most kind way that I know how to put it. If this time wasn't meant to be (which we DON'T know!), you had such good fertilization with the other embies, one or more of those WILL become your child/children. I totally get the mourning process that has to be gone through in your situation. Just do what you have to do for YOU. Just know that whether we hear a BFP or a BFN from you, we care very much for you and are here for you!! TRACY - Breathe my sister. Don't make me come down there, lol!! The waiting is the hardest part. You are in Hell right now. I am not going to lie to you and say that it will get better, of course you know it won't. But, try to keep that chin up a little longer, we don't want you burning out so soon into your 2ww. And I hope that you know that we are here for you too!! I wish I had the knack for making people in your situation feel better.

Lori, you do have the knack.....I feel better and felt soothed by reading your kind words. Thanks for that. I second everything Lori said CC. You are in my thoughts. Ok, my typing and thought process is getting a little ragged, so I will check on you tomorrow. CC---either way we love you and will be here for you.

Good morning. How's everyone feeling today? I had a sleepless night, but managed to have a crazy dream or two. I'm working later today till 8, so hopefully I'll check in after work and find that everyone had a great day.

Tracy, crazy dreams are a good sign. I had crazy ones about going to my high school grad pg??? Then weird ones about my ex-husband. So hang in there girl. CC, today is the day? Please let us know, like I said, no crazy symptoms for me other than being wildly emotional. I am going to keep checking to see what's up so please post asap. I know both you and Tracy are on a roller coaster ride. It took me 5 years to have Ryely. I had no idea about this website or infertility stuff, so it was just blind faith monthly- or b i yearly, when ever AF decided to show. My marriage almost split because of it. DH didn't want anything to do with fertility and I was so alone. So I know the fear and depth of sadness you are both going through. It is ok to get on here and complain as much as you want, we all love you both so much and want the same for you. I wish there was an easy button for all this, but there isn't it is a tough journey with an amazing reward. Whether it be through giving birth or adoption. I know one thing, everyone on this thread has an amazing ability to love, and there are children that are already here waiting for that kind of love, or there is one in the heavens above cheering you on!!! Which ever way, know you are amazing and strong women. This is one of the toughest things you will ever go through. It is wonderful that there is so much love and support on this thread. Sorry for rambling on. I just want you both to know that we are here for you, happy, sad or mad. BIG HUGS!!! CC, if you ever need me I am only 45 minutes away! We still haven't met. I am waiting to celebrate with you and a nice chilled bottle of sparkling cider!!!!!! Lots of love. Sorry for rambling.

Sorry, me again. I didn't want to post hugs and ramble about my belly. Well this little girl is BIG!!! She is already over 4 lbs and I still have almost 7 weeks left. YEESH! Ryley was only 5 11@ birth. So much for no epideral I guess!! My ob, gave me the thumbs up for acupressure massage at about 38 weeks to see if we can get her here before my ob goes on vacation. Still no names, the only one dh has thrown out there is Angela-yuck!! I like Layna-Layne for short. So the battle continues. gotta run and keep your chins up ladies.

JCR--thanks so much for being so understanding and supportive. You and Lori are making great cheerleaders and psychotherapists right now! Wow, 4 pounds! That is awesome! I'm so excited for you. Time sure has flown by this year. I like your name choice over your DH's. No offense to him, but women just have a knack for names. Good luck with that battle! CC--thinking of you.....

CC - Thinking of you!!!!!!! JCR - Happy to hear from you and that everything is going so well. Not that you are taking a poll, but I like your name choice better too. Angela is too blah, when you have a wonderful name like Ryley already in the picture. How is Ryley doing? TRACY - Glad to see that you are a little more chipper today. Have a good day at work. Check in later.

hi all... CC and TRACY, I wish I could take your pain away, but all I can do be here is listen to you and support you, and to wish that at the end of all this heartache, you'll have a little one to hold. If I could give you one thought, it's that life won't always be this difficult... this is one of those hard times that sucks to go through but when you come out on the other side, you will be stronger and wiser. You are both in my thoughts (along with all the other wonderful women on this thread), and I'm sending you smiles and hugs...

JCR- glad you are doing well! I like Layna- that's a great name.

Thanks Val for being so supportive. It is crazy how we often look back on things and wonder why we were so worried or distraught, etc.....but when you're in it......that sucks for sure. I was so hoping I would come home from work to hear of a BFP for CC. I guess we are just going to have to wait. CC---miss you and hope you are well.

Can you say INSOMNIA????? Last night I slept awful, and woke up early, but just forced myself to lay there and eventually fall back to sleep (several times). BUT tonight, I woke up at 3am on the nose and as hard as I tried to go back to sleep, I just couldn't. So I am up and actually wide awake. My mom asked yesterday if I think not being able to sleep the night before was from stress, and I told her, I have no idea, it could really be from anything. I have taken homones after all, and do the progesterone suppositories, so that could be it. Or it could quite possibly be the ache I still feel in my heart. I went to DH's office today to pick him up for lunch, and tried to work up the courage to go in and congratulate his brother and SIL, but just couldn't do it. (They all work in the same office.....family business). He said at some point you are going to have to face her, and I said, I know, I will, just not today, I'm not ready yet. The closer I got to his office the more nervous I got and the more I wanted to cry, so I knew it wasn't the time to suck up my pride and say congrats. I'm sure she was wondering why I picked him up for lunch, but didn't stop in. I'm also sure she knows why.....we had a talk about a year ago and the discussion consisted of me telling her that if or when it happens for her, I want her to know I will be happy for her, but that it would be hard for me, so I think if she's half a person, she'd understand where I am right now. Well, I hope the rest of you are sleeping snuggly. I miss those of you who are gone. Dee, think about you every day, Shauna, pop in when you can, I know you have a lot on your plate. Andrea, did we lose you? Lynn, get some rest this weekend, I'm sure those little ones ran your pregnant self ragged this week. Lori, how far did you say you live from Cleveland?? I may be there for one day this coming week, then on to Indianapolis for a few days. JCR---I'm so proud that you're soooooo pregnant! CC--missing you and can't stop thinking about you.....I just want you to be happy. Val, you have been such a great addition to this group. Are you still feeling Zen from the hypnotherapy or has it worn off any???If not, I'm gonna go get some of that!!!! Did you get a positive OPK yet? I hope to God I didn't forget anyone. Like my old friend Noelle always says to me.......love you miss you!!!!!!