What do you do if your husband isn't trying?
21 Replies
KT - June 4

I'm 27 and have been married two years. A year ago, my husband and I decided to try for a baby. I went to the doctor, got off of birth control, and decided to see what would happen. Since then, my husband's sex drive seems to have disappeared. He rarely initiates sex with me and if I ask him, he either says it's not a good time or just plain no. If I don't ask him, we just don't do it. I don't want to have sex just to get pregnant, I'd like to be with him too. But he just isn't interested. I talked to friend of mine who has one child and another on the way, and she said her husband kind of was like that too when they decided to try. She asked if I spiced it up a bit, and I've done all I can think of, but no change has occurred. I'm disappointed more and more each day. I ask him if he really wanted us to do this and he says yes. But then he doesn't want to do what it takes and if I even mention it, he blows me off. I'm also sad because I've expressed that I'm disappointed in this and he doesn't seem to wish to do anything to help out. I try not to be depressed about it, but I am. I love my husband and I know he loves me. Does this just mean that he doesn't want to have a child now? He seems to like kids and our best friends have a great kid that he likes. He's responsible and a great husband, but for this. Does anyone else have this problem?


mondo - June 4

hi KT,maybe your DH is scared try easing of a little he might need to ajust in his own time in his own mind


KT - June 4

Yeah, I know what you are saying. I really try to ease of him. But I wonder how long it takes. Days? Weeks? Months? I have waited weeks before to ask him what's up. By then, I'm so disappointed and pissed off, he probably knows it.


mondo - June 4

Year,I know wear your coming from(or not coming,lol).Who knows what goes on in there heads,maybe he feels all your effort is for baby making only,try the love bit without the sex maybe he will come around.Try not to get to frustrated.(easy for me to say).


KT - June 4

The "doin' it" actually really slowed down the very day we got married. Maybe it's a whole different issue. The baby making thing may just be adding to what's already a problem. I'm not a nympho, I just thought that more than once a month without me asking is a normal thing. I thought that wives didn't want to do it and husbands always did. It's the opposite for us.


mondo - June 4

I dont want to pry but did you aniciate before you were married


KT - June 4

No worries. :)
Actually, I had no idea. Before we got married, things were great. We lived together for a year before we got married. And he's not a cheater or anything. He really is great, he moved 2000 miles from our childhood hometown to live with me and he's really been a wonderful husband. But I fear the spark has worn off. We work for the same company during the day and I worry that maybe that has something to do with it. Maybe too much time together? I don't prevent him from going out with friends and he doesn't stop me. We have our own separate interests. And I exercise and take care of myself. He is a smoker though, and allergic to everything. I read somewhere that smoking kills the sex drive in guys in their mid twenties.


mondo - June 4

Smoking is bad news for libido and if you are ttc.At the moment I would be more concerned about any meds hes on for his allagies maybe thers a prob there and I realy dont think there is a norm for how many times per week.do you think you could talk him into a visit to the docs.


KT - June 4

When I went to my doctor when we decided to try, I asked her about his smoking. She said she didn't know about that. Real helpful. He has not been on any medication for his allergies other than Advil, really. Recently he did go to the doctor for a severe case of bronchitis that almost killed him. They gave him an inhaler, but I don't think that's affecting much since he's only had it for a month or so. I don't think I can get him to go to the doctor again for just this. The doc already told him to quit smoking and he did for maybe a week, but then slowly started up again and now he's back into it again. If I mention anything about him being checked out and things that would help us up our chances, he thinks I'm full of shit. He won't even go to the dentist. It's so strange. I can talk to him about anything but this. I really thought we were on the same page when we talked about all this, but his actions indicate he's not into it yet.


mondo - June 4

Well KT,I dont know maybe a counsellor or a good kick up the ass.My DH is desperate for me to conceive but no luck yet(10mths since we miscarried)we keep trying ,it would be great if our 2DHs could meet in the middle and leavel of a bit.


Jill - June 4

Lately, my husband has had the same problem. I talked to my husband about it and he said he's worried about having a baby. He's afraid because our first child is so great, never been fussy without a reason, very smart, and of course, absolutely beautiful. He's scared that having another child will be like asking for trouble. And most guys do like kids, love to play with other people's kids, but panic when it comes to having one of their own. Having one of your own means you can't send it home if it poops or starts crying. Maybe if you two go to some kind of counseling it would help. If you go to church, most pastors will offer that. It may take a while but maybe he'll open up and let you know everything that's going on.


Drew - June 4

I know how the sex drive thing does, only it was me having the problem. My dh has absolutely no problem!! I found the problem for me was timing....it just felt weird to have to do things according to a schedule. We actually spiced things up a bit... different times, different places. And sure enough when I wasn't thinking about why and how we were doing it, things got better. Maybe try to do something you guys used to do before you got married. Go out with friends, go to special places you used to like to go together. Set up an evening you might have had before marrage, with all the things that used to "get things going". But try to talk to him to. Maybe he's really scared of becoming a father. Other peoples kids are different...you can give them back! lol Hopefully he'll come around in the end.


CB - June 5

I can relate, KT. My DH has never had a big sex drive, only when he feels like it. It's always been an issue for us, and I knew that when we would be TTC it would be a bigger issue. Now that we are TTC, he feels like a "sperm bank" and that I only want him for his sperm. We've discussed children, he wants them as much as me. I'm trying to tell him that in order to get pregnant, we have to have sex. Point blank, it's a fact. It's hard when there's that "window" of 1 week around ovulation, to plan intimacy. I know I'm rambling, but I just want to say I feel your pain. We've tried to compromise by having sex on the "off" week when I'm not near ovulation. But life happens, we work and we get tired. I wish I had more suggestions...


KT - June 5

Everyone has given some really helpful advice. I'm glad to hear from you CB, you couldn't have described the situation any better. The low sex drive on his part has become an issue for us and then to add ttc to it, it makes him want to do it even less. I don't know. I guess it's irritating too that there are so many people who don't even try and they get pregnant just thinking about it. I spent so many years taking the precautions to not get pregnant that I thought it'd be easy once I wanted to. I guess we all think that.


Liz - June 6

KT....I'm right there with you and CB too....and of course, all the others with the same problem...You were right when you said that CB explained it perfectly...Good Job CB.....My DH's sex drive has never been that high and it has been an issue for us in the past, now with TTC it's even harder.....This is our 3rd month TTC and every time my ovulation comes around I get sooo nervous because I just know that I'll approach him for sex and he'll say no..either it's...I don't feel like it...or...Let's wait until tomorrow.....and I know it needs to be at that time!.....But, for whatever reason, he doesn't get that....For the most part, I can't complain because he's pretty much done "it" everytime I told him that we needed to...I just wish I didn't have to be persistant and "insist" we do it when I say it's time....He could be so unapproachable at times.....I wish I could offer you some advice on what would help in your situation but I suppose since I'm in the same delimma my advice wouldn't be very helpful....All I can offer is comfort....Know that you're DH is like many other DHs out there...It's not that they don't want a baby or are unhappy with you or anything like that...I suppose they're just not like we are and feel that it'll happen when it happens and there's nothing else to it....GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF US!


KT - June 6

Thanks, Liz. It helps just to know that I'm not the only one with this issue. I've been feeling more irritable about the situation lately. I hate to even ask my DH when it's "that time". He says the same thing your husband does. If I can get him to do it once around the right time, I'm lucky. But, then if I don't ask, then it just doesn't happen at all and I end up being even more frustrated. I want to be patient, but it hard to figure out if we don't get pregnant because of a medical problem or simply because we don't "do it" enough.


Liz - June 6

I totally understand....Men can be really frustrating at times....I believe we can cope with not becoming PG each month knowing that we've done all we could...but when it's not mother nature but instead someone that you love getting in your way of your dream, you can't help but become angry and frustrated with them instead of just the situation and that isn't good....I'm not much of a believer in therapy sessions and things like that because I feel a couple of sessions with a stranger can't make that much of a difference...However, I'm thinking that perhaps a session or two for you and DH might not be a really bad idea....Perhaps having someone outside of the situation...(you know, someone neutral to both parties)...weighing in on the matter might be helpful. It's just a thought....I'll keep an eye out for you just in case you're at your wits end and need to vent again next month...<wink>....I really hope your situation gets better though....Just remember, it's not about you....I doubt that he's doing this to hurt you or your relationship....He's just being a pig headed man!....giggle.....



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