To tell or not to tell family/friends about infertility ?
12 Replies
lana - April 9

We have male factor (poss female factor also) and have been seeing an RE for many months. We chose not to tell family/friends for a variety of reasons but I'm wondering how you found it once you told people. Did you regret telling people? I'm afraid it will add extra stress to me if people know. Dh doesnt seem to care but I dont want anyone to know. Thoughts and experiences/stories welcomed.


PennyHull - April 9

Depends on who you want to tell. We told our families, but we are both close to our families. It was still tough to hear/see baby news, or to hear "Don't worry, everything will be fine" when we knew it wasn't fine. We didn't tell anyone beyond family members until we were actually going through IVF, and then it did seem to help because our coworkers were supportive through the process and the disappointments. It all really depends on the relationships you have, and what kind of reaction you'll get. If you get asked all the time, "so when are you two having kids", sometimes it's easier just to tell them "that's not a topic that's easy for me to discuss" and let them draw their own conclusions.


lana - April 9

thanks Penny, the "its going to be fine" is what I dont want to hear because I know it will be tough for us to get pg and we may not be able to afford ivf so for us it may be a long shot to have a child but I dont want to have people say oh whats wrong and me have to say its none of your business or anything along those lines.


Cloe - April 9

I told just the people who were closest to me like family, close friends, and a close co-worker. I did find that it helped me because then they stopped asking when we were going to have a baby. After being married for 7 years, double income, and 29 years old people start to wonder. So, most of the pressure did stop, but you also have to be prepared for the ones who think that you need to relax, or that you are just "trying too hard." I do find that the only people I have to talk to that understand this pain are on this message board, and that is because everyone else around me has no trouble having children. But, all in all, I did not regret telling people, and at least Mom and Dad were not expecting a grandchild to come along so easily.


blabber - April 9

Hi Lana, I decided to tell people because I was sick of people saying "when are you going to have kids?" or the classic line "what are you waiting for?" . Whenever someone asked me those questions I would make up an excuse about us not being financially ready and every time I said it my heart broke. Now when people ask I say "when God feels that it is our time to be parents is when we will have kids." For the most part people catch on pretty quickly.


Anna - April 9

I told family and friends, and that was the biggest mistake I made. I hate the sympathy look that everyone has for me. They are trying to be nice, but it isnt comforting for me. I surely wont tell anyone when I am trying for my next, if I get pregnat twice.


Ann - April 9

I have not told anyone at all about ttc. When someone asks if we are going to have kids, I usually say, "Probably not." That response has stopped any further questions so far. I can't stand the thought of the unwanted advice, uninvited questions, and especially pity if it doesn't work. But lana, just do what feels right for you. If you feel like you need to get everything off your chest, it may help you. You can always just start by telling one person that you really trust and just go from there. Or you could see a counselor and vent there. Then no one in your life will ask you questions/make comments that might upset you. Good luck!


wannabeamom - April 9

Hi lana. We told everybody. So a lot of the questions stopped. We do get, "any news?" If there was news I would tell you. There is one family member that will continue to ask "when are going to have kids?" She knows we have issues and continues to ask that stupid question. We are trying lady! All in all, most people are understanding and respectful.GL!


kellyann - April 9

oh my gosh, i get the same q's constantly any news!!!!!if we had news we be running through the streets~!!!!we chose to tell my family and friends of our closest first about our situation,. then dh family who isnt supportive at all.....and dont get it, but it is about us not them so it works out in the end!


kelly ann - April 9

p- it is dh mother who continues to disrectfully ask any news and it gets to be so frustarting!


isa - April 10

I have only told 1 relative and thats because she was also trying to get pregant and lost one last year. I decided it was easier on me not to have people ask me all about it every month like some of the others expressed. We got married late in life so they knew we would try right away and I told my dad not to ask, that we would tell them if we ever had news. I do have one relative dying for me to get pg and when I talk to her if I even say I'm tired she asks if there is a reason why. It gets to me after awhile.


Leilani14 - April 10

Hi lana. We had male factor too. We kept it a secret from everybody except my dad and my mom. Dh didn't even want to tell his parents. I just had to tell my mom and dad because every time we would speak they would mention that it is time (I'm 33) that having a child is what makes your life meaningfull, for some reason they tought that we don't want children. Can you imagine how hard it was for me to talk to them. When I told them, my dad was great but talking to my mom was still hard. She tried to be encouraging and she would repeat "It will be fine, It will happen, you will see" I hated those comments. I'm realistic person I knew our odds were not good. I hate false hope. What a stupid comment to make. I even tried to tell her that it makes me worse, not better. Well my story has unusuall ending. By some miracle my DH results started to improve, and I'm 16 weeks pregnant. When i told my mom that we are pregnant, guess what she told me: "I told you so."


Mega - April 10

Congrats! Leilani14, that's wonderful about your pregnancy. Good luck, how exciting. Lana--I did end up telling some family members & close friends mainly b/c I got tired of everyone asking "are you pregnant yet?" Well meaning but so annoying. And for the most part it does cut down the questions a bit but like other posters have said it does open the door for unwanted, unsolicitated advice. My mom (who actually tried to have a baby for 10 years before I was conceived) is forbidden to tell me to relax. We call it the "r word," now. LOL! Sometimes though I kind of wish I didn't tell anyone. I guess it's a trade off.



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