Infertility pain and pregnant friends
16 Replies
Jill - May 31

I have a question for every woman who has dealt with infertility. How do you deal with the friends that know what you're going through, they are pregnant, and insist on telling you every single tiny detail about their pregnancy? A good friend of mine got pregnant a few weeks after my husband and I started trying. She is now 8 months along and feels the need to tell me every time her son hiccups or moves, or breathes funny. I have told her what has been going on with us, and that my doctor has informed me that there is a slim chance that my husband and I will be able to conceive on our own. Yet, she still tells me EVERYTHING! I've let her know that this makes me uncomfortable, but she still does it. I finally came right out and told her to not talk so much about the baby (*note* did not say "never mention this baby again," or "I just don't want to hear about it.") as nicely as I could. Now she refuses to talk to me and has evidently told everyone that I am a horrible person and expect everything to be about me. I told her that I know she's excited about her new baby, and that I am excited for her but it's just hard for me. It wouldn't be so hard if she hadn't gotten pregnant right when I started trying, but I know I would be as far along as she if I had gotten pregnant in the first month or two. Someone help me. Should I just call her and apologize for saying anything, or should I just leave alone because I believe I did the right thing?


kim - May 31

to jill, definitely not if i were you i wouldnt ring her because she knew what you were going through and how hurt you were so she sounds really insensitive to me, its like rubbing your nose in it, she should of stood by you and helped you through tough times like now not go on about the baby, good luck jill and ill pray you get the baby you are longing for, keep your head up and try be strong theres alot doctors can do now and "NEVER SAY NEVER FOR ANYTHING"


Justine - May 31

Jill - My husband and I tried for a baby for 3 years before using IVF-ICSI (my husband is infertile). We were also told there was virtually no chance naturally, needed to do IVF and that was extremely hard to hear - it was like the world had ended and I was terrified of IVF plus it costs thousands. I do not think you should apologise - your friend is very insensitive and selfish - she should apologise to you. I found it easier not to see women that were pregnant/had babies - infact single women are ideal friends. I am 17 weeks pregnant now due to our first attempt at IVF-ICSI and I would never talk to anyone I knew was having problems constantly about the baby because I know how hard it was. I hope you get your baby soon - it will happen one day. I thought it would never happen to me but it did. I would recommend seeing a fertility specialist if you've being trying more than 2 years. IVF is horrible but my treatment only lasted 4 weeks - I used a drug called Cetrorelix which work faster than traditional ones (2 weeks of which were horrible and 2 just involved taking progesterone vaginally which is no big deal) and now I'm pregnant. Good luck.


Jill - May 31

My husband and I have only been trying for 8 1/2 months, but that's the point, if I had gotten pregnant in the first month or two, I'd be in the same stage that she is. And she says that she's trying to be careful talking about this new baby, but she still never talks about anything else. And if I try to change the subject, she brings it back to the new baby. She told me that she isn't going to pretend like she's not excited about her new baby just because I'm having problems. I just don't know what to do. I don't have a lot of friends, and she was my best friend, we'd known each other for 3 years (which is a long time for us and the way we grew up, constantly moving to a new place) and it has really just hit me over the last few days. I don't have anyone that I can talk to and I miss her. I just don't understand what made her so insensitive.


christina - May 31

my husband and i are going on 8 years of never giving up trying, and i have a friend who does the same thing, feels the need to say when she is ovulating, when she is trying and every detail an di have been through every procedure surgery med. imaginable, the pain i feel is unbearable yet she keeps yapping about things knowing what we are going through, i feel she is being spiteful, cause a true friend would be there for you not keep making me nervous! and my husband knows when she has upset me he goes what did she do now and always wants to shut her up....she is also babyish about it, says i hope i get pregnant first and competes with house things, like every time we paint a room or buy something she runs out and gets it and i am past that highschool girlie stuff, and she is driving me nuts, now she started clomid and sat. we were there for a barbeque and i wasnt even there 2 minutes and she started with do you think i am taking it right, and when should we have sex, and etc etc! i cant deal, thanks for listening, i had to share that,lol.....


christina - May 31

and we seriously tried every day this cycle and i still feel my period on its way no doubt in my mind it is coming, i am sooooooo stressed!


Deb38 - June 1

Jill, I tottally understand where you are coming from. My hubby and I have been rying for 2 yrs now and we are going on our second iui. Last year, I had 3 friends at once that were pg!!!! I had a mental breakdown and really tried to happy for them but it was so hard. I had to deal with the talking all the time also. You think if your friends have also had to go through some trouble also fthat when it is you they would be more sensitive but that is not always the case. I think you should not confront your friend and let her realize that she was in the wrong. It is not fair to you to HAVE


Deb38 - June 1

sorry got cut off, you really don't need to know all details and please don't lose encouragement. I have a supervisor right now at work that has been trying with everything for 5 yrs and somehow naturally she ended up pg. Just keep the faith and lost of babydust to you.


Deb38 - June 1

I meant lots of babydust!!!!


Jill - June 2

Thanks everyone. I've just been really down this last week. I went on Clomid last month and I started af on Sunday morning. It's really starting to hit me that this may take a lot longer than we'd expected, and I just needed someone to talk to about it. That's the only reason I was tempted to call her, even though I know I wasn't wrong. Thanks for all the advice, and thanks so much for listening when I needed it.


Nena - June 2

Jill, alsways and everywhere we have this kind of people. I understand that she is so rude to you and very insensitive but you've been good friends for three years and as we all know, women can change a lot while pregnant so maybe she is undergoing this hormone crazy things that makes her insensitive. I am 5 yrs TTC and my best friend as well 5 yrs TTC. I have different problems (irregular periods, anovulation) and I talk to her for every single detail and what doc is saying I also show her all my papers and staff, you know what she is saying to me? I went to see a gyno and he told me "you don't need to worry because you have regular cycle and you ovulate regularly, because when you have these problems it is not much we can do" - do you get her point Jill? And I know her for 15 yrs. I know that she is very jealous on me. I have perfect husband, we are together for 10 yrs and we really are having a good time, we love each other very much, we go out every night and having fun, we are both of us good looking and have very good job. She is kind of isolated person, she argues a lot with her hubby, and can you imagine that she is very rich person and she never goes out to have fun. The only fun that she is having is to mention to me that I am not ok and she is. I shouldn't go out because we are spending too much money, I shoudn't love him too much because man doesn't deserve that, I shoudn't put make-up, I shoudn't go to a heardreaser every week ... you know all this situatiop is stressing me. Sorry to be long but I just wanted to say to you that either is hormone thing or she might be such an idiot. You know God is here with us and you never know what it's going to happen. My nefew was pregnant and she was trying to be so enforceable with her stomach one day that my heart was just bearning, I was eager to get prego and she was laughing at me is such a cinic way. You know what happened the very next day? She had to go to hospital and have delivery in the month 71/2 and she is always having problems with her daughter ever since. I am sorry for that little angel, she is sooo cute but her momy is a real bitch. Just try to pray and believe that one day or another all of us are going to get pregnant. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Jill - June 3

I know that if I'm meant to have another baby, it will happen in God's good time, not on my time. My brain understands that, it just really gets me down sometimes. And about your friend being jealous, I think that's part of her problem. I never realized it until my husband's grandmother said something to me. I got pregnant with my son, a month and a half later she announced she was pregnant. She had been talking about how her mother-in-law wanted to give her a minivan but she didn't want it. Well, I bought one, then all of a sudden, she got the one from her mother-in-law. Anytime I bought something, she got the same thing or something "better" within a week. I became a stay-at-home mom, and she quit her job a month later. Then my husband and I announced we wanted another baby, and she suddenly decided she wanted another one. She complained about how I expected everything to be about me, when I never told anyone but her that we were having issues with getting pregnant. I didn't even tell my mom until I decided to go on Clomid. How is it trying to get attention when no one knows? Maybe she's jealous, maybe it's all a big coincidence. My brain tells me to ignore all of it, just leave it alone. But my heart breaks everytime she mentions that the baby just moved, or hiccupped, or shows off her ultrasounds to everyone we see. Like I said, it wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't gotten pregnant right after we started trying. I should be having a baby right now, but I'm not. I'm not even close. And I asked her just not to talk so much about the baby. I know she isn't responsible for my problems, no one is, but I'm dealing with my pain while she's making it worse. I know she doesn't mean to, but she's making it worse just the same. I know that she's on a hormone surge, but I'm not responsible for that. When I was pregnant, I had to control my hormones and not be insensitive to everyone, no matter how tempting. I even managed to be nice to my mom, delivering her 6th child when I was having my 1st. Everyone else in my family was really ugly about her having another baby at her age, but (even with my hormones) I was the only one who never said a single nasty word about it. I had a miscarriage while my mom was pregnant with her 7th, but I still never said anything. I didn't understand why a woman in her mid-40s, who was already a grandmother could have a baby when I could not and I'm in my early 20s and healthy. I know that pregnant women go through major mood changes, but you can't use that as an excuse to be rude or insensitive to those around you. And if that's all it was, she would have called me by now. It's been over a month since we last spoke. I want to be there for her, she's due at the end of this month, but I also want to stand by my principles. And I've prayed about it so much, and I haven't gotten any signs that I'm supposed to contact her. Thanks for all the advice. Good luck to all of us, hopefully God will find us ready for this gift that we're asking of Him. And maybe it will be soon.


my 2 cents - June 3

Of course, there are some people who are so insensitive and inconciderate that you shouldn't bother with them, but if I were you I would give your friend another shot. I mean, it's probably true that she's being selfish and inconciderate about this, but I can imagine that for some women, being pregnant kind of takes up all their thoughts. Maybe she doesn't mean to talk about the baby all the time, but it's probably hard not to if that's all she's thinking about. She probably just stopped talking to you after you said something because she realizes you're right but doesn't know how to change her behaviour. I just think you should call her... it would be sad to miss out on being there for her during this really special time. Your special time will come too and you'd want her there for you. Baby dust!


bump - June 28



KJ - June 28

Sorry to hear about your situation - I am in the same boat. I got pregnant in January and miscarried shortly after. I have a best friend that is due in August, a friend just had a baby boy, my hairstylists just had twins, another friend had a baby girl, my cousin is pregnant with her second and another friend just found out she was pregnant. All these baby showers too! It's so hard to deal. Another friends of the family is also expecting around 2 or 3 days of my orignal due date. Hearing her prepare for her shower, etc. is horrible!


Jill - July 1

Thanks to everyone for all the advice. I decided to stick to my principles, so I didn't call her. I don't believe I did anything wrong, and she knows where I am. Thanks to everyone who offered their experiences. It's great to know I'm not alone in all of this. Good luck to everyone in their efforts.


tinymiracle - July 2

I think that you should give your friend some space. It is a very blessed event that she is going through but she should also consider your feelings. Some people can be insensitive without realizing it. If she doenst come around on her own, then maybe you should rethink your friendship.



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