Because of infertility________
27 Replies
DebbAlvarez - May 29

I don't post alot, mainly because I don't have any advice to offer since I'm in the same boat and still learning....learning about my body, learning about different procedures and learning how to cope.
Infertility has changed me so much that I no longer know myself. I blame myself, I was a stupid teenager who liked to drink and party and rarely used protection with my boyfriends back then. Although I'm fortunate to be healthy and not to have contracted anything, sometimes I wonder if I'm being punished. I was old enough to know better. I'm a monster now. I'm so irritable that I'm surprised that anyone wants to be around me. My father is dying of cancer and it kills me that I can't get pregnant to give him another grandchild. My mother is completely clueless. She offers no support, no advice....just constantly wanting to argue and that increases my stress level even more. My DH, what a godsend. He's the most amazing and supportive man in the world. I feel absolutely blessed to have him in my life. He loves me more than words can possibly describe, just as I love him... My ex-husband was a demon and knowing from just my periods being so irregular, we knew it was hard to get pg, we took one round of clomid back then and then he said, no I don't want kids right now. Turned out he had one on the way by his GF (my ex was a doosy, cheater, beater and drunk/druggie)... My husband now, he and I pray together. We ask God each and every month to help us. Sometimes I start to feel resentment towards God because I KNOW he can give us a child, but he's my shelter and my protector, my SAVIOR and I take that resentment back quickly. A girl I work with is PG and I feel so much anger towards her. Sometimes she trys to talk about "ways to get pg" and everyone listens so attently (sp) I busted her bubble the last time without thinking basically telling her in front of everyone she knew nothing of what she was talking about, this is "how it works." I felt so bad, but refused to apologize simply because she's pg and I'm not. We're trying and they didn't. We want childrent and they could care less. Ay Dios mio, sometimes I think I'm such a horrible person.
From taking temp, cervical fluid and position, to taking ovulex, prenatals and trying to eat better, I'm at my wits ends. I don't understand and I'm mad at my DR because she won't even give us clomid until after next month of trying "naturally". I want to scream, "OK LADY, I'VE BEEN TRYING NATURALLY FOR MORE THAN 7 YEARS AND NOTHING, NADA!" I know this is long, and I'm sorry, but I think I've had all this bottled up inside me dying to get out. I stay worried, upset and cry constantly and sometimes my husband and I sleep with a baby-blanket between us wishing it was a child. Sounds crazy, but it helps keep hope alive. I pray for all of us and I hope that each of us receive at least one child, one little miracle, one little blessing. God Bless, Vaya Con Dios.....with much love, Deb - 27, Tennessee

 

sas - May 29

(TTC 2 years. 1 miscarriage) Because of infertility deep down i am very unhappy. I pray every day for the same thing. I try very hard to keep faith that it will happen. My life is on hold because i can not put my time and energy in to anything new. I feel an emotional and physical pain in my chest and stomach when i hear yet another friend, family or colleauge is pregnant or given birth. I am very good at putting on a happy act but I dread social events. Even with my closest friends because it always comes up in conversation because they know it's such a big part of my life. But getting all dressed up and going to have a few drinks and knowing it will come up in conversation at some point in the night. I just don't look forward to it. I do love my friends but only people going through this can truly understand. Because of infertility i have spend so much money on books, alternative medicine and therapies, time on the internet and retail therapy when i feeling really depressed. I'm broke!

 

Shauna - May 29

BECAUSE OF INFERTILITY...I feel like a failure as a woman. I yell at my DH and kids too much. I want to sleep all day and I want to eat all night. I have put on 30+ pounds since I began TTC and I struggle everyday with the prospect of gaining more. Because on infertility nobody understands me...my family doesn't see that problem...I have one child already so why would it matter if I couldn't have more??? NOT. I think all day about what my life would be like if I never have another child and it seems empty. I feel like I need more. On the up side I have such wonderful ladies on the forums who brighten my day with humor and mucous stories. Never could I have imagined inserting my fingers inside of myself daily and examining what comes out of there. and everyday someone says something that I so easily could take to mean that I am stupid to be doing all of this in an attempt to selfishly bring another human being into this world...But as my 3 year old would say...'BUT I WANT IT'. as he and I pound our feet on the floor. Love you gals of May, June and the tread that holds us. ((((hugs))))

 

TL - May 30

Because of Infertility: Each mo.when af arrives, I feel hopeless and like I am getting too old (31) and my time is up. I feel like I am not a woman since Clomid/IUI cycle did not work for us either.
DF and I admire babies and kids constantly when we see them like we want to take them home with us.
DF and I have discussed how we would grow old w/out children.
Whenever shopping I sneak a peek at car seats and onesies and feel so empty inside.
Feel extreme anger at women who don't take care of their kids and get welfare because they are lazy and neglect the kids.
Wish I could afford to adopt a baby in Russia, but cost is outrageous.
Feel happiness and sadness when a friend or relative gets pg.
Spent hours w/DF discussing future baby names and what they would look like and how we would raise them.
Begged and prayed to god to just give me one healthy baby....
And the struggle continues........

 

wannabeamom - May 31

bump..

 

andy - May 31

ok lets do this... BECAUSE OF INFERTILITY :
*I can´t sleep because( at cicle day 20-28 ) I just spend my whole night dreaming I´m pregnant...
*I am always sa because I remember the miscarriage I had
*I can not live because I only and only think of getting pregnant
*I don´t go to the gym anymore since I´ve read that after a miscarriage you should rest your first weeks .... and I always think I´m in my first weeks ( till my period comes )
*I am ashamed of myself since I think I failed my whole family because I told them I was pregnant Dec 24 and miscarriege Dec 25
*I sometimes love my nephew , but sometimes I don´t wanna be around him
*I love my husband so much but I sometimes think that his life with someone else that could give him a baby would be so much easier
* Hate .... DEFINITELY HATE women that don´t even wanna get pregnant and they do ( like my sister in laW) and then are complaining about that ,,
*I realize that the only thing that I want is a baby... LIKE ALL OF YOU .... and really hink we deserve them ...
*I´ve found this site that has shoun me that I´m not the only one dealing with this

 

jee2 - May 31

Because of infertility: I am always crying.Especially on cd 1. I cry at the doctors office. I cry watching cheesy commercials. I cry all the time. Hormones have me so crazy my DH is always mad at me. He finally caught on I try and be nicer during ooing time. And now he hasnt talked to me for 2 weeks. i am secretly jealous of my 38 week pregant sister and I try hard like hell not to let her see. I cant work because I am so distracted and I constantly search the internet for new information. It is becoming obsessive. I am thinking about seeing a psychologist...oh man. It could go on forever. I a thankful....but i cant remember for what right now...I am too tired to deal.

 

jennyblake - June 2

I am sure after reading these posts you women will jump all over me, but this is just my opinion. Perhaps we dont deserve children. I have been trying for over 2 years and have relized that I must be being punished for something. I have become crazy, the way you all sound. I now know that a child would not be blessed to be in my broken life. Infertility has made me this way and now having a child would mean the poor innocent would have a mother like the way most of you sound, mean, bitter and nasty. Hates all other moms and everyone. Has no desire for life. It took two years to get me this way, having the baby I longed for would no longer fix it. You are fools if you think it will fix you. You need to be happy with your self and your life , after all who wants a mean bitter mother who has alienated her whole circle of family friends and co workers. god does hear us when we wish bad thoughts on our fellow pregnant women. I am now convinced that we would all make horrid mothers and that is why we have been forsaken. Sorry if you find me offensive, but this is where I am because of infertitily

 

Shauna - June 2

Jenny stand tall in your religion and you will always be worthy of a child. I would never wish bad on anyone. I dont think any of us would. We are supportive of those you do get pg and of those who don't. If you are not TTC why are you on this site? I wish you the best in your journey.

 

wannabeamom - June 2

Jenny, of course you deserve to have children. We all do. It is natural to be frustrated. Hang in there. This is a great place to find support and an understanding ear.

 

NatashaV - June 3

Hi ladies, Jenny I just read your post and no, I don't want to jump all over you. I do want to tell you that I understand why you feel the way you do, and it's pretty clear that you're feeling very sad after ttc-ing for so long. I feel sad too, but I did want to pass on a couple of thoughts. I think that being sad and frustrated that you're not getting pg does not make us bitter people, just sad. It's like saying someone who had breast cancer and felt sorry for themselves, would always feel that way even once the cancer was gone. I really don' t think that would be the case. If/when I get pg, I've no doubt that I'll be a good and loving Mom whether I felt frustrated by ttc-ing or not. Also, I think feeling jealous of other women who're able to get pg although not a good feeling can have a good side too. A wise woman once told me that envy is a gift. It's a gift because if you're jealous of someone that tells you for certain that you want what they have. How many of us spend our lives looking for our passion or looking for the thing that would bring us joy and not knowing what that is? Pay attention to the times you feel jealous, you may just have found your calling! Best of luck to all...

 

slowpoke01 - June 5

jenny-we dont jump on people for voicing their opinions but i do feel that i would be a very good mother if given the chance i dont believe that if i got pregnant tomorrow that i would still feel resentment and envy or bitter or frustrated we have all been ttc for so long that we are frustrated but that doesnt mean we are going to give up because there is always a chance and that chance is what keeps us going we alienate the people around us because they dont uunderstand what we are going through and most will not take the time to listen and understand it that is why we have all found each other on this site to help each other through it and to talk about it to people who do understand it and i dont think that you really want to gve up on getting pg or you wouldnt be on this site i have a 4 yr old neice and yes sometimes it is hard to be around her but i wouldnt trade her for anything else i love her and she knows that she is welcome at my house anytime this thread was started to help us vent our frustrations not to judge each other and i believe that me and any other woman on this thread deserve a child and that we would all make great moms we dont wish harm on any other pregnant women we just envy them because they have what we want more than anything in this world and we arent going to give up on our dreams of being mothers because we are frustrated...good luck to all

 

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