Don't know what to do
10 Replies
Lilac - October 1

Hello girls! I spent last couple of weeks crying and feeling sorry for myself. The reason of this is an argument with my husband's parents. My husband's mother was celebrating her birthday on September the 2nd. We decided to tell about our intention to use services of surrogate mother. I thought they will support us and be by our side. But I was wrong. They were shocked when they heard about surrogacy. They told us that it is unnatural and that we had low morale standards. And of course they don’t forget to tell about religion, which in their opinion doesn’t allow even think about such things. I've never had good relationships with my dh mother. There was no support from her after we lost our baby. But I didn't mind because my dh have been always supporting me. And that was enough for me. But this time I thought they will at least wish us luck. Because his mother talking about children 24/7. Later I've got to know that my dh mother had a private talk with him. As it turned out she told him that she thinks I'm the only one who wants to use surrogacy. She told him that I'm a bad influence and how woman can even think about such things. And at the final thing that was like a knife in my heart was she told him I've always been not the best choice. I was literally shocked and broken after her words. Now I really don't know what to do and how to behave when his parents come to us or when we go to their house. I see how his mother looks at me. As if I did something terrible. As if I killed someone. Our relationships with his father have always been okay. Not the best one but he was always nice to me. But now he changed. I think that’s because my dh mother told him bad things about me. I feel so miserable. I feel so alone... My husband tells me he will talk to his parents and everything will be okay. But I feel kind of betrayed. As if I’m the worst person in the world who did something very bad. I really don't know what to do. I think if we have our surrogacy the relationship between me and his parents will be even worse. I'm scared that they will make him leave me. I can’t say he's a mama's boy but she is his mother and she has really great skills in manipulating people. So I'm really lost and I have no idea what should I do.


Lilac - October 1

Oh this post turned out to be huge... I'm sorry you have to read all these complaints. I should say that's only tiny bit of the whole story... I just keep seeing the picture of his mom holding her hand on her chest and crying that she didn’t rise her son such a terrible person(making hints that I made him such a terrible person). I don't even understand what she wants. How we're supposed to have kids? When I tried to tell her about adoption she just changed the topic and continued to tell us how bad surrogacy is. So how we’re supposed to give your grandchild?? It seems to me that the only thing she wants is my husband to leave me and find another woman. I try not to think about this whole situation but... I just can't stop thinking. I'm so sorry you have to read all this. I really wanted to make some positive post about my research on surrogacy. But I couldn't do any research because of this argument. And I really don't know if I should search...


Isabelmason - October 4

• This is Isabel Mason. I am 40 years old. I have been suffering from infertility since I lost my both ovaries because of cancer. I was a happy go lucky lady when I was young. One can say I was never serious in my life. I have been divorced twice because of my severe attitude. I think misery started when I was diagnosed with cancer. My husband that I married with third time is quite supportive. He never cursed me for my weakness. I know, he also has a desire to get a baby. I want to conceive. I do not have any better options. Is there something that can help me out? If, please let me know. Maybe something could help me out.


jyrrellukex - October 31

Hi Lilac, I am really upset after reading your post. It really disgusting how rude people can be. They never understand the situation of women who are fighting against infertility. It is satisfying to hear that your husband is supportive. What is his opinion about surrogacy? I think he is right about that he will talk to his parents and he will try to convince them. He should tell them that how bad he wants to become a father. I hope they agree and I wish you best of luck, my dear.


erinniqam - November 3

Hello Lilac. I feel terrible after reading about your plight. I hope things turn around for you. I think the most sensible thing to do right now is work on your relationship with your husband. Make sure that you both are on the same page. This way, even if his parents continue to oppose you, he will still be able to support you. Surrogacy is a relatively new idea which is why his parents might be having a hard time accepting it. I suggest you conduct proper research and lay down all the facts in front of them. Present and defend your case properly. Hopefully, they will come around.


bozapappadd - November 4

Sadly, it's very much common. What I fail to understand is that she is a female herself and that should mean she knows how would someone feel in a situation like yours. I hate myself even saying this but I think you should see if this is about the time to pick sides. If your partner really supports you then I think it should be his duty to convince all of his family members. Why always it's the women who have to suffer?


gapappeles - November 8

Oh my Gosh! You are really in a deep trouble my friend. It is the first case I am looking at, in which the family is so against surrogacy. I think they have not be guided clearly all about the process of surrogacy. They just know that it is unnatural but on the other hand, it is the most reliable source for every infertile woman to have her own baby. They are taking the concept of the surrogate mother very wrong. You should tell them that a woman will just carry your child and nothing will else happen. Still, you and your husband will be the biological parents of that baby. You need to express your feelings in front –of them that how do you feel the absence of your own baby. Your mother in law is not doing the right thing but at the moment you need to think about making her agree. Well, I have another solution to your problem that you should discuss things thoroughly with your husband. He will definitely understand. He will get emotional quickly when you will tell him that surrogacy will give him his own child who will call him papa. You should tell your family that this process is not dangerous and it is also not expensive. It is just a matter of time and then everything will be alright. I am trying my best to tell you all the possible details so that your husband and family agree to it.


lahexuddo - November 8

Hey, lilac! You have come to the right platform to express your feelings to the strangers because here everyone has their own problems and they know how it feels to go through such situation. Your case is a bit more complex and rare because your family is too much against their decision. I have a great idea for you. You can show your family all the process and details of the process easier on the internet. I am going to tell you a few things and you just need to keep them in mind in order to explain it to your family. You should let them know that surrogacy is the most successful procedure form a past few years to have your own child. I can give you an example of my friend. She told me that she went for surrogacy about 3 years ago and now she has a healthy 2-year-old baby boy. The clinic she wants to was really great. She told me that the staff was very cooperative and humble. She added that the process of surrogacy is also cheaper over there as compared to the clinics in the USA or other parts of the world. I was also very fascinated by it. I told it to my family and husband. They were also against it but later on, they agreed to it. Now I am just waiting for my treatment course to end related to my heart disease and then I will also go for surrogacy. I will pray for you that your family agrees and you can have surrogacy soon.


lahexuddo - November 8

Yes dear. Time is the most important thing for you because you need to try for a baby ASAP. So that you could know if the results are positive for you or not. I have seen infertility issue after PCOS but there is always hope and you should try. I know you want to have your own children. Still, there is another option for you and that is surrogacy. My wishes are with you.


Isida - November 10

Your story sounds awful. Unfortunately, this situation is very popular nowadays. Old-fashioned people think that surrogacy is unnatural. We know that it’s not true. Surrogacy really works. As for me you should talk to your husband. He should choose what is more important for him. I understand that he loves his mother. But if he wants to have kids, he should be on your side. You should be a family. Only strong and friendly family can fight the infertility problem. Are you sure that he is ready to have kids? You have to figure it out, dear. Do you need a man, which doesn’t want to have kids?
I know a lot of women, which used the help of the surrogate mothers. I am a psychologist and I helped a lot of women to fight the infertility. I know how hard it is. But you should be strong. There’s a way to do it. And surrogacy can really help you.
You should show all those surrogacy stories of success to your husband. I think he will understand how important it is for you. He should support you in this difficult question. His mother has no rights to decide what is better for you. This is your family and you are worth being parents.
I really want to support you, girl. I feel your pain. But you should always remember that stress doesn’t help to change the situation. You have to be strong now. I’m sure you will succeed soon. Good luck!


stefadams - July 31

I'm shocked, hun! So sorry you have to go through this. People, who have no idea about how it feels, have no right to judge. I suppose you need these issues to be discussed with your dh. Share your thoughts. Get the most of his support.
Our fertility journey was long though I never paid too much attention to what others think. The only thing which drove me mad was seeing pregnant women. I felt really jealous...
I have endo, severe. Married for 10 years, 2 of which - ttcing. Tried IUI, ICSI with oe. Then 3 rounds ivf with de. Only the 3rd one was successful.
No one can imagine the pain we have to go through to be finally blessed. And this is out of the question about morality or smth when it comes to term of not being able to have a baby. Our greatest natural right cannot be judged by unknowing ones. And as far as you have chances to have your baby - do your best, love, do it!!



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