not sure what i am going to do?
14 Replies
Leehane - March 1

i was wondering if you could help me. Ive been trying to concieve for about a year 20 years old, and i have been told i should really start having children now, as there is a long background with my kidneys etc. Me and my husband are desperate for a baby. I was in town, bursting for a wee, so i went to my sisters and my friends house (my sister is seeing him) he let me use his toilet ( i cant stand using public loos) after i went to the loo, he offered me a cuppa, so i thought yeh why not, hes let me use his loo. Well he never got round to the cuppa. He just forced himself upon me. I was in so much shock i just froze. I came home and just sat there, numb. i was like that for a week. i just felt dead. It was around that time that me and my husband were actively participating in trying to become pregnant. Now i found out i am pregnant, not sure how far along, but im a week late. The thing is, i dont know what to do. im not sure if this baby is my husbands or not. And i want to have it if its mny husbands, but i dont want it if its lukes. I dont know if i can bare it. I havent told anyone what happened. im too ashames. i feel dirty. And i dont know what to do.


angelkitty - March 1

I strongly suggest you go to the authorities and report this. Do it immediately. Does your dh know about this? If not you need to tell him. You have not done anything wrong and you do not need to feel guilty. Rape is an act of violence and not of sex. Please seek out the help of a counselor immediately as well. If he did this to you I am sure he has done it to other people as well. Go to the authorities and report him. He needs to be behind bars.


SkyKennels - March 1

Yes, sweetie! Definitely, report this. What he did to you is wrong on so many levels! Think how bad it is now! It will surely get worse. You will forever feel ashamed, and scared, and how would it be if he was still seeing your sister? Would you want him doing it to her? Would you want him around if their relationship gets serious? Would you want to have what happened between you two be your dirty little secret, which he will use to blackmail you into doing it again whenever he wants? The more you keep it, the more liable it is to destroy your relationship with your husband, your sister, your unborn baby, and most of all, yourself! Please, please, girl, talk to someone about this. And to the police. And definitely, with your husband and sister! Because it is NOT your fault! Don't ever believe that!!!....Lisa


Leehane - March 1

If i tell my husband, and the baby is his. He may still insist we abort, because we wont know whos it is. Looking at what you said. i will report this. I dnt know how to go about it. it was a while ago, but i will still try. Is there anyway of finding out if the baby is my husbands before the chance for an abortion runs out. I'm usually against this. But i cant bring myself to do this if its not my husbands. I want a family with him. I dont want to carry around a baby who wasnt made with love. does anyone know of anything that may help?


Mega - March 1

Leehane--I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear that this happened to you. Nothing you did caused this, you are the innocent one here and I'm sure your DH will understand & provide support you need so badly at this time. Off the top of my head I'm not sure if paternity typing could be done pre-birth, but if that is an option it most likely wouldn't be feasible until later in the pg. I will do a google search though & see if I come up with anything. And your thoughts on termination in a situation like this is totally understandable.


Mega - March 1

Leehune--I actually did find something out for you re: in utereo paternity testing. It can be done here in the States & I'm sure other countries as well. I will cut & paste the text & a link for you in another paragraph. So there are options which will allow you to know if you are carrying your DH's baby at least. HTH!


Mega - March 1

Can paternity testing (to check the father) be done during pregnancy?

If you have had sex with your consenting partner around the time of the rape and have not been using reliable contraception, it can be very difficult to know who is the father of the baby. You could talk with your doctor about this and it may be possible to answer this question by looking at the time of intercourse in relation to your periods. An ultrasound scan may also be useful in helping to work this out.

If there is no other way of working out who the father of the baby is, and finding out would make the difference between keeping the baby or terminating the pregnancy, testing can be done while you are pregnant (this is called in utero paternity testing).

An in utero paternity test is done by obtaining a sample of the baby’s DNA with either amniocentesis or chorionic villus sampling and comparing the results of this test with the results of tests done on a blood sample from you and your consenting partner. It is not possible to do this without your partner’s knowledge and consent.

It is possible to determine from this testing whether your consenting partner is the father of the baby. This testing is expensive and there are risks involved with it, so you and your partner should consider counselling in order to make the decision about whether to have in utero paternity testing.
Remember to remove any dashes (-) that may be added.


Leehane - March 1

Im going to tell my husband what has happened. It really is the only way forward. Its really playing with my mind, and i dont know if i could go through with termination without knowing. However, im not sure if i could go through with it either way if i cant find out in the first trimester. Its not the babys fault. But then i dont know if i could cope with carrying that dirty guilty feeling with me for 9 months. And what if i have the baby and want it afterwards, and my husband doesnt. Its just playing with my head. I come from england, so thee are certain things done on the health service. Ill see if this is. And if it isnt, ill apply for exceptional circumstances and see if they can do this. I just dont know what i will do if i get the answer i dont want. It is strange, because, i suffer from pcos and pcks(polycysic kidneys), and i have been trying and trying to get pregnant, and wheni am, i dont know whether to terminate or nt. I feel cruel, but i just dont know how to handle this. thankyou all for being so helpful.


wantanotheraftertr - March 2

You deffinatly need to report it! They can do dna tests to see who fathered your child. You should tell your Hubby I think it will help you thru this. You need him now and he needs you! You need to know it's not your fault some men are just predators If he did this to you he will do it again IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Pam


Leehane - March 2

I talked to my husband this morning. He had a day off work so i thought it best to tell him today. He was surprisingly sensitive. He didnt go round and start beating doors down, which im pleased about, because i didnt need him reacting badly, i just needed him to be sensitive. He arranged with the police so that i could give a statement in my own home, that way it will be less nerve racking. Hes also spoken to my doctor who is arranging a test for me on the national health service, that i can have done at 10 weeks free of charge. he estimates that i am about 5 weeks pregnant at the moment, which i dont quite understand being that it only happened three weeks ago, 5 weeks ago i was on my period, i cant have been pregnant then. My husband has said that whatever the results are, its my descision what happens and he will support me whatever i choose to do. Im really lucky to have such a brilliant guy. Hes also spoken to my sister, he didn't tell her what happened, he just told her that hes been reported as he has hurt me, and that she cant ask questions, but just to leave it at that. She doesn't want to know luke anymore because of that. I doubt ill ever get the feeling of vulgar shame off of me, but hopefully this will all help to get rid of the initial pain. thankyou all for your help, i dont know what i would have done without your advice


Leehane - March 22

got my appointment on the 9th of april though. will post how it goes.


Leehane - April 16

Its my husbands baby! im so over joyed, now i can just forget everything thats happened and look to the positive sides! i didnt know, but he had arranged a lovely week break for me no matter what the results were! and i just feel so excited now!


wantanotheraftertr - April 16

Leehane I am sooooo excited for you! And ever so proud of you and your hubby. I am so glad he was so supportive and everything has worked out for the best the way it should be! God Bless you and your family!


BabyRN - April 16

leehane~ I just read your story, that is aweful. I am glad you decided to tell your dh and the authorities! That is wonderful that you were able to get the testing done for free. Congratulations on being pg and it being your dh's baby!!! Have a happy and healthy 9 months!!


Mega - April 17

Oh Leehane, what wonderful news! And I'm so glad you've updated us. I often thought about you & wondered what the outcome was. And I'm so proud of you for telling your husband. You're a strong lady & your baby is lucky to have such a great mom. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy! Take care!



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