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I've not posted a lot, mostly a silent reader. Let me first introduce myself, I'm Deb, 27 from Tennessee (USA) and have definitely had a bumpy road with ttc. I was an unruley teen who was basically too big for my britches (as my mother would say...haha) and I thought that I could get into anything and it never affect me. Now I'm starting to wonder if that might be biting me in my own butt. I had unprotected sex as a teen (never got pg) and I partied almost on a weekend basis. When I was 21 I married my ex-husband. We were only married for 2 years. One of those years was us going through the divorce. I immediately wanted to start trying for children because I always "knew" somehow that I was going to have problems. I went to my ob and fibbed at first saying we had already been ttc for 1 year so that way we could avoid all the red tape you have to go through. Immediately he diagnosed me with PCOS (although I don't remember him doing any kind of tests) and then he put on provera to bring on AF and then I took clomid days 5-9. After I didn't get pg, my ex said he didn't want to try and my ob said that the clomid must have made me have too much acid which in return killed the sperm....and that was the end of that... I would still have to have provera to bring on my AF, if not she wouldn't show but maybe 2 or 3 times a year. Years later I met the love of my life. My husband now and I have never used protection, never got pg. (Could we say deja vu?) I found a new ob, which I finally feel comfortable with. She ran all the tests and has refused to diagnose me with PCOS even though I have irregular periods and showed elevated insulin. Currently we're on cycle 2 of just provera and I've just finished my last run on ovulex. Cycle one I did metformin and ovulex, nothing and this cycle only ovulex and I'm not sure yet. Currently I'm 6 DPO. My ob said we'll do provera again for the 3rd cycle and try naturally and if nothing then, we'll try either clomid, met or both. I've truly been a mess this cycle though. Last night I started crying hyterically. I felt like my heart was going to explode it was hurting so bad. I've always wanted children, but now that I'm married to my husband, the absolute love of my life, it makes me want children even more, which I didn't think was possible. My husband held me last night and cried along with me just trying to reassure me that it's going to happen, that we'll be pg soon. He keeps telling me to stay positive, have faith in God, we'll keep praying and doing everything that we're supposed to do and it'll happen. Although, there's this part of me that still wonders......that still asks..."what if? what if I never?" Not being able to get pg has killed a part of my soul. Little by little I feel myself dying away.... I'm wondering how much more I can take. I've bought a baby blanket and a little outfit. Last night I got out the baby blanket and slept with it, just trying to imagine my little angel in my arms. I woke up this morning holding it as if it were a baby only to be faced with the true hard fact that I'm not a mother yet and I don't know for sure if I'll ever be. It makes me sick to see all the girls that get pg from one night of drunken fun, girls that get pg and never want children, girls (women) that are not in a relationship, can't take care of the child and end up abusing and neglecting the baby..... It even makes me sick to see someone married who gets pg and then says, "It just happened, we weren't even trying and really didn't want it to happen this fast." Then....I hate when someone tells me, "It'll happen when you least expect it, just don't stress out about it." I want to scream, "NO YOU IDIOT! IT WON'T HAPPEN WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT, IT CAN'T BECAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE PILL AFTER PILL AFTER PILL SO I'LL ALWAYS BE AWARE OF IT!!!!!" Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished for all the wrong I've done in my past.... I just don't know how much more I can take. I want my baby, I want him or her now..... I want to feel him/her in my arms. Oh God, forgive me for my past and please don't punish my future. Please let me have my blessed angel....
I'm sorry this is so long, but I had to let it all out....
Huggs, Deb
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Hi Deb! First of all I feel your pain and teared up while reading your post. I am fortunate to have a son (4 years old) and have been ttc #2 for over 2 years. Please dont beat yourself up, and dont beat yourself up for your past, I honestly dont think it has anything to do with your current problems. Have you consulted with an RE? If it is not PCOS then there must be an explanation for your infertility. My late mother had af 2 to 4 times a year and managed to get pregnant with my sister and me. Honey, get a hold of yourself and know that you are not alone, there are alot of us out there who are desparate for a child whether its our first or fifth. Try to do things to get your self healthier. Cut out caffein, red meat, and all the JUNK that we Americans love. Eat more fish exercise more and enjoy the love of your life. You are a lucky woman to have a man so sensitive to your feelings. I wish you all the luck in the world and I really hope it will happen for you very soon. xoxoxoxoxoxo Tanya from NYC
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Thanks so much Tanya! You're words of encouragement mean so much to me. I'm really tryling hard to get myself together... My husband and I pray together daily. My husband is originally from Mexico, so he's Catholic and I'm Christian. We pray a catholic prayer, a christian prayer and spanish and in english. Think we got it covered? LOL!!! Sometimes I am filled with the positive side of conceiving..... Before when DH and I would talk about our baby I would ask, "Cual quieres un Nino or una nina?" (Which do you want, a boy or a girl?) He'd just reply, "Cualquiera, no me importa...solemente quiero nuestro bebe." (Whichever, I don't care.....I only want our baby.) Now when I ask, it's... "Cual quieres mi amor, Miguel or Isabel?" (Which do you want sweetheart, Miguel or Isabel?) There are definitely times where we already use their names.... Might sound crazy, but there's a part of our child that's already with us..... I guess that's what makes it so hard at other times.....not having them physically here with us yet...
Anyway, thanks again.... God Bless, vaya con Dios! Huggs, Deb
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DEBBA, wow, you got me tearing up. that sounds alot like me. i can totally relate. although i am only 22, i have done way too much partyin that began when i was just 14. plus all the unprotected sex i had which also began at 14. i've done almost every kind of drug out there. i was heavy into meth from 15-19-ish. i have been clean since then. i grew up in a druggy household. so the apple didn't fall far from the tree. i remember always thinking just how lucky i was that i didn't get pregnant with the unprotected sex i was having all the time. Now, i cry everymonth i start my a/f. i have been ttc since last march with the dr.'s help, but the first three years i was with my "now" husband, i did not use protection. i am now waiting for the call from my dr to set up the IUI's. I too feel like i'm being punished but then i've been told that god does not punish you. my husband reasures me that it will happen soon but it's been 16 months of soon, soon, soon, and i'm losing all hope. i pray and wish every chance i get. my whole family/friends know and feel sorry for us. my heart is broken, this whole process has broken me and made me feel less of a woman. I feel you girl. i just want to give you a hug and tell you i understand what your going through. so here's my hug ( )
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Crystal, thank you and here's *hugg* right back to ya!!!! I grew up in a very Christian home, but decided to stray for a number of years. My husband (when he's not working) and I do go to Church together, Catholic and Christian. We've even had the Pastor pray for us and with us concerning our infertility. I don't believe that God is punishing us, although we can definitely get down and feel like someone is. I think that my infertility, especially with my husband now has help draw me closer to God. He's been my refuge. I seek comfort from him. Sometimes when my husband is at work and I'm all by myself, crying, broken-hearted and broken-spirited.....I call out to God, knowing that I need His arms around me, sheltering me and protecting me. God provides an overwhelming peace over me when nothing else can. So, even though God hasn't answered the prayer of giving us our baby yet, I thank Him for the peace that he does give us, because without that, I KNOW I could have not made it this far. Thanks again Crystal. We just have to believe that our little miracles are own their way to us soon. *huggs* Debb
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that is really sweet deb, thanks. i feel sometimes i need to talk to god or a priest but my husband lost his brother about seven years ago in a car accident so he lost all of his faith. i try to preach to him but he just won't go to church with me and i don't want to go by myself. so i pray all the time, sometimes i can get him to pray with me. that's always nice.
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