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I can certainly do this with you, Coco! Because of infertility: I haven't been able to live my life properly for TWO years - I'm constantly thinking about ttc and how I want a baby. I go through the "maybe I am, maybe I am, nope guess not!" every single month. And, every single month it gets harder instead of easier to take. I've grown so jealous of my friends who're moms or pg that I avoid them. I feel like a bad person because of the jealousy I feel... I have to go to the doctor next month to try for an IUI and if I'm REALLY lucky, I can conceive my first child without my husband present in the room. Not what I wanted at all... And, I have the added bonus of getting to try out Clomid which apparently turns most women into raging hormone lunatics. ........Okay, maybe this is supposed to make us feel better, but it isn't working for me, it's making me feel worse. How about this - I'm lucky because I have a husband who loves me, I'm lucky because I have my health, I'm lucky because I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach and cupboards, a good job and I live in a country that allows me to be whoever I want to be. This little rant may or may not help me get closer to my bfp, but thanks for listening ladies... :)

wow, this should be fun:) I have been trying to conceive for one year now but have been with my husband for five years with no protection and we've never gotten pregnant. he's gotten his sperm checked twice and they said it looks great. i've gotten the hsg done, b/c i've had chlymidia twice when i was younger so i figured my tubes were blocked, and it hurt like hell but the results were good. my tubes are clear. so why am i not pregnant yet? oh yeah and i'm only 22, my hb is only 26. we quit everything, smoking, drinking, and started doing everything right and "by the book". So i believe that god must hate me and i'm cursed. my sister had four kids by the time she was 19. my mom had three by the time she was 19. all i want is one. but god won't let me have my one. I cry every month i start my period. what next??? we're about ready to drop the $$$ for IVF. everybody feels sorry for me cuz i haven't had a kid yet. i want to move far far away, cuz i'm sick of drugies and women who don't want kids, getting pregnant left and right. weeeeeh!! that feels better, thanks for letting me vent. but i am also thankful that i have found such great love, and we're so happy and in love. i love you all and wish you a happy year and hope god blesses us all babies

Because of infertility: I too cry a lot. When AF shows up yet AGAIN, when another friend tells me she is pregnant, when I see babies, and worst of all, when my mother-in-law asks me why I'm not pregnant yet!
I avoid my friends, esp. the ones with kids (meaning most of them), I despise myself for my jealousy, but I can't seem to move past it.
What else? I worry all day long. I think of all the possible things that could be wrong with me, I worry about the potential cost of treatment and I worry that my husband will leave me.
Oh, and I practically rape him whenever there's a chance that I might ovulate and I have denied him oral sex in three months because I don't want to "waste" a drop of sperm! Sick, I know.
After reading these posts I realize that most of this, maybe except for my sick, sick views on sex, is perfectly normal. Maybe that will help me calm down? I doubt it, but it was fun reading your stories ;)

thanks girlz, i luv you. i'm so glad i'm not the only one. every tells me how stressed out i am and i need to relax. i want to take that relax bit and shove it right up there, u know whats. i too am afraid that my best friend who is one year younger than me and didn't want a kid till i wanted one, will get pregnant before me. ladies, i could go on and on. but i won't be downer debbit. just wanted to say how thankful i am to be a woman and NOT ALONE IN THIS. i will tell all. have a good one

Well here goes... Thanks to infertility I couldn't give my MIL the last of her grandchildren before she died of cancer. I have to pretend to be happy for my friends who have had no problems conceiving. I have to be gracious when my older sister offers her eggs because mine might not be good. I cringe everytime someone asks when we are going to have kids. Especially those who know that we have been trying. Could they be anymore inconsiderate???I get angry, sad and resentful. I feel everything you all feel and wish you all the best.

Let's see if I can do this. Because of infertility....... noone can pry me off the couch, I have gained 12 pounds, and I feel like a failure as a newlywed. I ponder what my future will be like should I never have children, and I often wonder if life would be worth living without them. I have lost my patience and sense of calm, and also fear having to wait years for results from fertility treatments. That's all.

Ok. Because of infertility I doubt my purpose in this world. I hate my friends who have children because it took them a month off birth control to get pregnant and it has taken me so far over a year. I hate women who have children because that's all they can talk about. I feel like a bad person because I don't want to hate anyone but I truely feel like I can't help it. I feel like I have sunk deeper and deeper into a depression and all I want to do is sleep and sleep some more so I don't have to face the world. I feel guilty for being so bitter and guilty for not being able to just "snap out of it" and move on. I feel like it's probably my fault because I was an idiot 10 years ago and contracted chlamydia from my boyfriend and I feel like I should have KNOWN better than to have unprotected sex w. ANYONE- even if I did think we were going to get married. I could go on forever but this isn't helping. I have a wonderfuly family, husband, job, friends and 3 dogs. I try to tell myself they are why I am here.

Because of infertility I: push everyone away. I yell at everyone who asks the much hated phrase "are you pregnant." I have lost 20 pounds from deep depression. Sex is no longer fun. I haven't seen my husbands family is 6 months. I sleep most of the day away so I don't have to think about ttc, but even then I dream about it. Nobody understands what we are going through and it makes me feel alone and isolated. I torture myself by watching a baby story and other shows like that. I think about leaving my husband so he can find a full woman who can bear children for him. I feel like a failure of a woman.

Bump.

because of infertility...i cry all the time when i watch movies or when i see a pregnant woman in the grocery store, i have become a real b***h, and all i want to do is stay home, i cant be happy for others who are pregnant and it makes me feel even worse for being so bitter, because of infertility all i do is watch discovery health channel that way if by some miracle i do get pregnant i will know what to do and because of this i really feel that if i was in the position i could deliver a baby..because of infertility there is now a strain on my relatioship with dh because i feel that he doesnt understand how i feel and he has not went to not one of my dr's appointments he wants a baby but he wants me to do all the work to get one, i resent that i have to pay to try to get pregnant because i live in the u.s. and there is no national healthcare for all and i have to pay out of pocket because insurance is way too high or doesnt even cover infertility treatments which i know there are alot of women in the same shoes as me..i am thankful however that i live in a time where there is fertility treatments and i can get help, and i am thankful that i have a sister who got pregnant easy but is right there with me through it all and never asks me when are you gonna have a baby, also she has offered her eggs in case mine arent any good and i am glad that i have someone who loves me so much that they would do that, i am also thankful for a 4 yr old neice who thinks i am the best aunt ever and always wants to be at my house who loves me unconditionally i am also thankful that i have my 5 horses which are my babies and even though my mare is hard to breed i wont get rid of her when eveyone tells me that it costs too much to have her bred because i know how that is and it would be like my husband getting rid of me because we have been together 8 years never used birthcontrol and i too seem to be having a hard time getting pregnant..i am thankful for this site where i can talk to people who understand how i feel and are going through the same thing because before i found this site and the wonderful people on it i thought i was the only one..thank you all for listening to me and i do feel a little better now that i have vented

Wow..you all sound just like me! I too have felt everything you all are talking about. I've been ttc for just over 2 years and my age is becoming a factor (35). I can't stand to be around our friends with kids ..that is, ALL of our friends. The last set of friends we had that were like us (childless), are now pg because I'M the one who told her to try OPK and it worked. I now have NO friends who aren't pg or have kids. I feel like I want to run away from my own life sometimes..like dh and I should just move away so we don't have to see the pity in people's eyes, or have to smile at other people's good fortune with babies/fertility. Lastly, I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life if I'm not going to be a mom. I feel very depressed and we've tried everything short of IVF, and I don't know if I want to go that far and pay that kind of $$$. I feel like I've been evicted from my old 'pre-ttc' life and I have to 'act' happy all the time so I don't ruin other people's experiences with being pg etc. I don't know ladies..how does one give up on a dream that has been the ONLY thing I wanted for years.... and if you don't give up on it (or at least take a ttc break), how do you cope as you torture yourself monthly with the hopes that maybe this is it when it never is? Thanks for listening and baby dust and good luck to all.

I like this one. Ok...because of infertility. Every single morning I wake up and take my temp. Even before I do my morning urine. LOL Then even I have to go to the bathroom really bad...I hold it. Because on CD's 4-21 or something like that I have to open up this little tiny stick from a foil wrapper and so that I can be sure to pee on it. Then I jump into the shower and try and check my cervical position and CM. After I get out of the shower I brush my teeth and take a baby aspirn every day. Everytime I eat lunch I make sure and take my folic acid. I have to turn my DH down for BD if the O is going to happen too far away. I need to make sure that he holds out so that he has enough sperm. LOL On top of this I too have become bitter and it seems like everyone I know is pregnant. I have been to four different doctors and besides my endo no one can figure out why we can't get our BFP. I have learned to shoot myself up and have been crazy on Clomid and Loopy on Lupron. I have seen a total of 49 BFN's and am just waiting for one. In the interim my neighbor has three kids my best friend is pregnant a third time and everyone in my office seems to get pregnant on the first month. It makes me angry and hostile. I feel JEALOUS and I also seem to spend alot of time thinking about what I must have done for God to punish me. I know that it's not true but I just can't help feeling like that. It seems like BD'ing is always on our sched for atleast a week out of each month and then that dreaded two week wait. I just get all excited for NOTHING. It's definitely made me a more miserable person.

Thanks for bumping this up Kathy, I hadn't seen it before... I'll start with the negatives. Because of infertility, every month is an emotional rollercoaster. I've never been so excited by ovulation or depressed by AF. I can't hold a baby even though I want to because I know I'll break down and cry. I have 5 cats and a dog. I battle with getting angry at people who make jokes like, "Are you sure you're doing it right? Ha ha". I have to have an hsg this month which is making me very nervous. I'm having a hard time not letting ttc take over my life. Last month I wouldn't have sex with DH after I ovulated for fear that we would "knock something loose". I freak out when I sneeze during the 2WW for the same reason... BUT THERE HAVE BEEN SOME POSITIVES TOO... I have learned more about by body than I ever would have known without this struggle. I realize I have a wonderful husband who puts up with things like "let's not have sex for the next two weeks just in case we're knocking something loose" and with my crying and making him BD whenever I have the right "mucous" - gross! I have met a lot of wonderful supportive women here. I have gotten closer to God as I have to lean on Him to bear with the pain of infertility... and if I ever do get pg, I will appreciate it so much more than I would have if I hadn't had this struggle. Love you ladies.

Man, y'all bring tears to my eyes...Because of Infertility: I am a mess! I am on my second dh and 32, still nothing. It is probably a good thing it didn't happen in my first, but on that note we had an excellent sex life, no bc and NO baby! My current dh & I have been ttc for 2 years. I just found out about six months ago I am hypothyroid and was able to trace it back a long way. Granted, it was nice to have some sort of reasoning behind it but the disease is not a good one either! Like most of you I take my temp every day (going on 4m), use OPK's and struggle greatly with every 2ww! All of my friends were prgnant before me, even my best friend who now has 2 and unhappy w/bf. No, she's not married, both children were surprizes and she is miserable in her relationship, always wanting to leave him. I will never understand why, she should consider herself so lucky to have those kids and a man who loves her! My dh is thought to have a low count so by the time the abstinace is over he can't even perform when necessary. Our sex drives have plummeted (sp), I have gained quite a lot of weight not caring what I look like or if anyone cares. My family, wow, why do you want to bring another child into this messed up world of ours, they say...what a crock and how unsupportive can they possibly be! My brothers have already provided my parents grandchildren so why more! UGH! I think I have been having cp's and can't prove it, the doc's look at me like I am stupid and my dh does the same because his negativity is driving me nuts! He says he has bad sperm and can't give me a child and then tops it off to say maybe you should find a man who can. I know he thinks he is being considerate of me - but I don't want another man and he just doesn't get it. If only they could have one day in our shoes, eh maybe a whole month! So much friction is caused in ttc w/dh that sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. I try to keep light of the situation but dh is now holding the cards and holding our process up! He keeps putting off the SA because he is scared. I feel for him, but if he really wants this he should get it over with! Oh my, I think I have overstayed my welcome so let me add...I am thankful I am alive and lucky to have my dh. Thankful I have rescued 3 cats and 1 dog that absolutely love me w/o reservation. I am thankful for a roof over my head and food on the table even though we live by the week to get it. I feel for all of you and wish us all lots of babydust and happiness. That happiness is something to treasure, once you feel it hold it tight! Thank you for reading;)

Sorry, but one important thing I also left out that Nicole so richly described...I avoid children at all costs. When I see them in strollers or in mothers' arms I look away and walk away. People probably think I am antichild when I am the exact opposite. I think that right there is the cruelest part of ttc - ya can't even enjoy others children. Okay I am done.

I don't post alot, mainly because I don't have any advice to offer since I'm in the same boat and still learning....learning about my body, learning about different procedures and learning how to cope.
Infertility has changed me so much that I no longer know myself. I blame myself, I was a stupid teenager who liked to drink and party and rarely used protection with my boyfriends back then. Although I'm fortunate to be healthy and not to have contracted anything, sometimes I wonder if I'm being punished. I was old enough to know better. I'm a monster now. I'm so irritable that I'm surprised that anyone wants to be around me. My father is dying of cancer and it kills me that I can't get pregnant to give him another grandchild. My mother is completely clueless. She offers no support, no advice....just constantly wanting to argue and that increases my stress level even more. My DH, what a godsend. He's the most amazing and supportive man in the world. I feel absolutely blessed to have him in my life. He loves me more than words can possibly describe, just as I love him... My ex-husband was a demon and knowing from just my periods being so irregular, we knew it was hard to get pg, we took one round of clomid back then and then he said, no I don't want kids right now. Turned out he had one on the way by his GF (my ex was a doosy, cheater, beater and drunk/druggie)... My husband now, he and I pray together. We ask God each and every month to help us. Sometimes I start to feel resentment towards God because I KNOW he can give us a child, but he's my shelter and my protector, my SAVIOR and I take that resentment back quickly. A girl I work with is PG and I feel so much anger towards her. Sometimes she trys to talk about "ways to get pg" and everyone listens so attently (sp) I busted her bubble the last time without thinking basically telling her in front of everyone she knew nothing of what she was talking about, this is "how it works." I felt so bad, but refused to apologize simply because she's pg and I'm not. We're trying and they didn't. We want childrent and they could care less. Ay Dios mio, sometimes I think I'm such a horrible person.
From taking temp, cervical fluid and position, to taking ovulex, prenatals and trying to eat better, I'm at my wits ends. I don't understand and I'm mad at my DR because she won't even give us clomid until after next month of trying "naturally". I want to scream, "OK LADY, I'VE BEEN TRYING NATURALLY FOR MORE THAN 7 YEARS AND NOTHING, NADA!" I know this is long, and I'm sorry, but I think I've had all this bottled up inside me dying to get out. I stay worried, upset and cry constantly and sometimes my husband and I sleep with a baby-blanket between us wishing it was a child. Sounds crazy, but it helps keep hope alive. I pray for all of us and I hope that each of us receive at least one child, one little miracle, one little blessing. God Bless, Vaya Con Dios.....with much love, Deb - 27, Tennessee